What’s most helpful? The answer… or something else?
This week’s issue is about that question — and a small shift I’m making in how I’ll be offering coaching support this summer.
🍽 The Main Course: When Helping Backfires
I used to think helping people meant giving them answers.
And for a long time, I got very good at that.
I saw it when I was running my private practice.
I saw it when I helped people transition to veganism. Or let go of dieting.
I saw it when I’d do Q&As after screenings of Blackfish.
People would ask thoughtful questions, and I’d immediately move into explanation mode. Fast. Helpful. Informative.
And naturally, sometimes that was genuinely what was needed. Some situations do have right answers. Facts matter. Safety matters. Ethics matter.
But over time, I started noticing something a little uncomfortable:
Giving good answers didn’t necessarily create lasting change. Sometimes it just created temporary relief.
And longer term dependency.
~~~~~
I noticed this most clearly in my private practice. Questions from staff weren’t decreasing as people gained experience. They kept coming. If anything, they were speeding up.
The pause between “something happened” or “I’m not quite sure what to do” and “ask Carol” kept shrinking.
And eventually I realized... I created this dynamic. Because answering solved the immediate moment quickly. For them… and for me.
~~~~~
I think this is why real coaching is very different from giving advice or answering questions.
If information alone changed people, most of us would already be done by now. We’d listen to the expert. Get the answer. And that would be enough.
But it isn’t.
That doesn’t mean answers are all bad. I still answer questions all the time. I’m just much more aware now of the difference between helping someone think… and helping them avoid thinking.
Because while quick reassurance can feel supportive in the moment, it weakens confidence over time.
Shifts that stick happen when we wrestle with something a little ourselves… when we question things, connect dots, and come to conclusions that feel like our own.
❓ Flavor Boost: Another Question?
The next time someone asks you a question, notice how quickly you move to answer it.
Before jumping in, try pausing long enough to ask:
“What do you think?”
Not as a test. Not because you’re withholding help.
Just as a way of giving someone a little more room to think out loud before handing them an answer.
😎 A Small Summer Shift: Power Hours
This summer I’m opening a limited number of Coaching Power Hours.
These are single session deep dives for people who want focused support around life, health, food, body image, GLP-1s, stress patterns, mindset spirals, making a decision, or figuring out what’s underneath a stuck spot.
Each session also includes 4 weeks of follow-up text support, because the real-life part of change rarely happens all at once in a single conversation.
I’m not taking on new longer-term coaching package clients over the summer, so this feels like a better fit for the season.
If you’re interested, just reply to this email and we’ll talk details.
🐾 Sweet Moment(s): Conflict Resolution?
We buy two of every toy for Benny & Ramona.
And somehow one dog manages to end up with both.
This is Ramona processing the injustice of that system, as Benny enjoys two toys on the other couch.
Until next time - more dogs, less dogma. Always.
Carol
P.S. New here? Welcome! Curious about past issues? You can find them, here.
